Jan 2005, 29 entries

Buster Butterfield McLeod posted a photo:

Buster Butterfield McLeod posted a photo:

Buster Butterfield McLeod posted a photo:

Did you know that whales don’t sweat? It’s true.

The latest mystery of the universe that I’m spinning spare moments chewing on (much like a cow with 4 tiny brains) is the best course of action regarding a toilet seat in a men’s room. We all know that it’s best to put the toilet seat down in co-ed bathrooms, as the chance that it’ll be used next by an entity that stands when it pees is approximately 25%... and it’s only polite. I wonder what the exact percentage is though… after all these years for some reason I don’t have a very clear idea about how often I go number one versus number two. Do you? Should I just say pee and poo? I suppose this is a blog, so it’s allowed. PEE. POO. How luxurious and freeing.

Anyway, the typical argument to lower the seat doesn’t necessarily apply in men’s rooms, I don’t think… because who am I to presume how the next person desires to relieve themselves? Standing or sitting? The algorithm (were I to write one and please I’m not that bored… or am I?) would have some of the following variables:

• Are there any urinals in the bathroom? If so, this may lead the person to believe that most occasions of number PEE would involve one of those, and if, for whatever reason, I happen to be using the toilet for this purpose then I should count that as a rare occurrence and lower the seat according to standard procedure.
  
  Is the bathroom clean? If so, this lowers the gross out threshold for both raising and lowering the seat, and renders the algorithm less crucial overall. On the other hand, if it’s very dirty, make sure to do the shoe lift or the shoe drop after a decision has been made. Using your hand is needlessly irresponsible, unless you have a paper towel to assist you.
  
  When you found the toilet seat, was it raised already? This could be seen as an invitation to leave it up, as you can always claim that you didn’t even use the toilet if someone accuses you of not lowering it. White lie in my book. Also, there’s a chance that the person before you has a more sophisticated algorithm than you and that you might as well trust that they knew what they were doing.

The ultimate goal in this puzzle, of course, is to minimize movement for future occupants, to maintain the cleanest possible seat, and to not piss off (no pun intended) your fellow bathroom-goers of the future. Some may also be concerned about the spread of germs, others about karmic revenge. My final point, however, is that perhaps it doesn’t matter much what you do regarding the seat in the men’s room… let’s say that your algorithm leads to a situation that pleases people 10% more than the average algorithm. 1 person (from every 10 times you visit a public men’s room) will save arm/foot energy, the seat may be so very slightly cleaner than it otherwise was, you will be responsible for 10% less toilet-seat anger within the scope of your bathroom circuits (minus any times that you end up using the same restroom twice in a row without anyone using it in between), and perhaps a few germs died without infecting another human. So what? Will this make America a better place to live? Perhaps your time is better spent selling that car, or eating a little healthier, or taking your friend to the airport when they weren’t expecting it. And here’s an issue that requires no algorithm at all: always wash your hands!

Buster Butterfield McLeod posted a photo:

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Buster Butterfield McLeod posted a photo:

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Buster Butterfield McLeod posted a photo:

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Buster Butterfield McLeod posted a photo:

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Buster Butterfield McLeod posted a photo:

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Buster Butterfield McLeod posted a photo:

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Buster Butterfield McLeod posted a photo:

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Buster Butterfield McLeod posted a photo:

Buster Butterfield McLeod posted a photo:

Buster Butterfield McLeod posted a photo:

Buster Butterfield McLeod posted a photo:

Buster Butterfield McLeod posted a photo:

Buster Butterfield McLeod posted a photo:

Buster Butterfield McLeod posted a photo: